Communications 101 – Sharing Your Heart

Does your message come across boldly? Or as a timid whisper?

I’ve always been a reader (since the age of four I’ve rarely been seen without a book in my hand) and it followed that English was always my favorite subject in school. My mom is an English teacher too, so I suppose it was all a bit of a natural progression.

If you think back to your school days, you’ll probably agree with me that English teachers are a bit of a different breed. One of my high school favorites was a teacher who had friendship with the students down with a perfect mix of still getting them to learn, something that can take years to master.

I came to her class after she’d been in the position for over 30 years. I remember her telling us stories about her crush on Mel Gibson,  mildly risque incidents from the Renaissance Festival she brought her classes to every year, and being allowed to watch Monty Python & the Holy Grail in school, which my friends and I thought was just the coolest thing ever.

But what I remember most from what she taught me – above the fun times and the more serious lessons – was a simple rule in writing that literally changed my entire perception around communication.

In the world of books I had lived in from a young age coupled with a great love of learning, I was ahead of many of my peers when it came to writing. But through various life circumstances, I lacked a very important quality in what I wrote – confidence.

My main downfall was using the words, “I think” – and I used them a lot. “I think this play, this author, this work, is teaching us…etc.”

I didn’t really see it as a big deal, but the truth is, I was afraid to make any kind of statement in my writing. I always had to temper it with something – to tone it down – to apologize for what I wanted to say. “In my opinion…It’s possible that…I think…”

My English teacher was having none of it. Oh how the red pen flew across those pages! She crossed out weak sentences, showing me how they could be stronger, bolder – completely unapologetic.

At first, I was upset. I had been coasting along, believing I was right. I was a good student. Why did she have to pick on me so much? At any age or stage in life, it’s difficult to take criticism – even from a person whose experience is much more vast than your own.

But in the end, I listened to her – and I am still thankful for it.

I refined my writing, making a conscious effort to be unapologetic. I saw the power those words held when I no longer confined them to the realm of my own ‘unworthy’ opinion. I even saw the power I was placing into the hands of the reader, who would now have their own decision to make of whether or not to take my words at face value – and I had to give them that right.

That one simple principle assisted in leading to more confidence in other areas of my life, showing me how just a little shot of confidence can go a long, long way (and how having an honest critique can make more of a difference than you’d imagine!). I see it now as one of the steps that led me into being a freelance editor with the desire to assist others in learning this very lesson.

I recently had this message confirmed to me in a lesson from a very successful Internet Marketer. She taught me that however you market, it’s important to position yourself as the expert. A trap many entrepreneurs fall into is the “we/our” syndrome – bringing themselves to the level of their market in the effort to identify with them.

The truth is, people don’t want someone who seems mired in the same problems they have to help them – they want someone who is above it – someone who can offer the solution. “I have the solution for you” vs. “There is a solution for all of us”.

What sounds more powerful to you?

If your mind is starting to drift toward a natural objection now, let me answer it by saying: This is not arrogance. If you are an expert with a product or service to sell, it is not arrogance to make bold statements to proclaim yourself as the one with the answer.

In fact, if you’re not doing that, why should I trust you?

What brings this kind of smile to your face?

I heard the most beautiful story about confidence and alternative forms of communication the other day…

I was speaking with an amazingly energetic heart-centered entrepreneur; she was sharing with me about the new directions her own business was taking – some of them very unexpected.

This woman is an incredible energetic guide – in my experience I’ve rarely heard someone with such a brilliant capacity to listen to others and really draw them to the meaning of what they are trying to express, work through, or understand. She has a gift for truly feeling and bringing out the energy behind peoples’ words.

She was telling me about what has been emerging for her in her business, and how some of this newness has been coming out in her work with physical therapy – something she’s been doing part-time for many years.

She shared how the work was something she felt called to do, but really didn’t enjoy much of the time – her work is in nursing homes with older people, and physical therapy just never seemed to be a pleasure for either the therapist or the patient – it had to do so much with forcing movement and causing pain that it didn’t always seem worth the results!

Then she told me something that was just thrilling to hear – she happens to be a belly-dancer, and decided to start working with her patients – residents of nursing homes – in belly dance!

The patients – both men and women – found that they loved this type of movement. It was natural, flowing, fun – nothing like the forced and often painful manipulations they were used to going through.

This therapist had no idea the results it would bring – when she returned after some time away she found all the residents asking the other therapists, “When are we going to do that again?”

She had people asking for her card, therapists asking her to train them so they could work with people in this way – it’s all exploded beyond anything she could ever have anticipated; it’s even brought a real joy back to her in her physical therapy work.

Let me tell you, I was just enthralled with this story and I had to share it. I’ve never done belly dance (though I’ve always wanted to try it!) – but just the idea of it conjures such confidence and acceptance of the beauty of the human body (no matter what size, shape, or age!) to my mind.

The idea of it being used as a form of physical therapy is just so perfect and so creative – I love it!

Not only that, but imagine the confidence it would be inspiring in these people. Rather than having to submit to an unpleasant and difficult experience, they are given the opportunity to express themselves through movement – something that is joy-filled and freeing. Imagine the effect that would have on other areas of their lives as well.

Effective communication and confidence – they are so intertwined.

Pearls of Wisdom & Wonder

One of the world’s authors who has spoken the most wisdom into my life is Madeleine L’Engle.

Whether I’m reading her books written for children or those written for adults, my heart always responds to the love that permeates all of her works. As any great author must do, she expands my world through the words she’s written, so that I am inspired to think beyond whatever I may have done before.

That is why for many years, my favorite quote from her has been this:

“But if I knew everything, there would be no wonder, for what I believe in is far more than what I know.”

I don’t believe it was really even meant to be ‘quote’ material – it’s simply a sentence spoken by the character Poly from a scene in the book, An Acceptable Time, buried among the rest of an excellent story.

But the first time I read those words, I was struck by them. I highlighted the sentence in my book and have pondered it many times over the years.

There is so much in this statement to unpack and draw from, but what I gain the most from it right now is to understand that life – and effective communication within community – is an ever-learning process.

Communication can come to a halt when we begin to think that what we ‘know’ is all there is. The truth is, I can never know all that there is to know about you, and you can never know all that there is to know about me.

The real wonder of this world is that we do not know everything, which means that there is always something more to discover and enlighten and empower us – if we choose to allow it.  

Chuck Klosterman sharing one of his stories...

One author whose work I particularly enjoy is Chuck Klosterman. He has a fairly eclectic body of work, having gone from sportswriter to music journalist to pop culture authority – and his encyclopedic knowledge of all things modern coupled with a great sense of humor always makes for entertaining, educational reading!

In one of his essays he talks about the advent of reality programming through MTV’s The Real World. As an experiment, it could have gone in many different directions – of course we see the results of this wildly successful genre becoming more popular daily.

The point I found most interesting and thought-provoking was the one Klosterman made about how the show’s ‘actors’ eventually chose to represent themselves. He discusses how the format of the show evolved into each participant being known only by one particular facet of their character, meaning later contestants actually tried out for the show with the intention in mind of becoming known by an easily definable tag – ‘the militant political guy’ or ‘the sweet, simple Southern girl’.

Instead of being portrayed as complicated human beings with the multi-faceted characters that all of us possess, it seemed that people were now striving to be defined by one major aspect of their character, causing a kind of social dynamic shift that creates a tendency for all of us to fall into this trap of looking at each other in a one-dimensional kind of way.

If you want to read the full analysis, I highly recommend the book, Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs, by Chuck Klosterman (an enlightening and humorous commentary on pop culture), but in the meantime, I’d like to consider what this kind of one-dimensional defining does in a Web 2.0 world, particularly in combination with Social Media marketing.

The success of social media and how it has affected the consumer market hammers home once again how great the depth of desire is for people to be known – for people to create community whether they live in a village or a city.

But the temptation is also there to keep that ‘knowing’ on the surface – to put people in a box where you are defined and forever known by only one aspect of who you are or what you are offering.

Of course, it can come down to a fine line as it is very important to do things like narrow your niche market, brand yourself in a particular way, and remain professional.

So how do you allow yourself to be a little more transparent?

What Do YOU See?

I’ve come across a teaching illustration more than once in my life that goes like this:

A person conducting a meeting holds up a large piece of paper, with a very small black dot in the center of it.  This person asks the others at the meeting to describe what they see.

Without exception, the answer that comes back is: “A black dot“.

No one ever says: “A large piece of white paper“.

Why is that?

Most people are quick to notice flaws and take them as an indication that affects the whole. Whether this be right or wrong, it is fairly unavoidable. And how great a tragedy to have people pass you by because of a typo on your website, an error in your grammar, a misspelling in your article, or some other mistake that you may feel is as ‘inconsequential’ as a tiny black dot…

Even if you consider yourself to be the type of person who can view the bigger picture and excuse the small flaws – do your potential customers and clients see things that way?

What are you looking for in a Freelance Editor?

It’s been a whirlwind of change in the transition from Virtual Assistant to freelance Editor and proofreader, but so far all is going VERY well!

Within the day of making my decision and not yet really knowing what that would look like, I’ve had authors showing up all around asking if I contract out!

My answer to that is, of course, a big YES – and a thankful heart for really getting in tune with what I’m so excited to do – assist people in effective communication!

Many of these are authors I’ve had the joy of meeting through a current project – editing Volume 2 of the beautiful compilation put together by Debbi Chambers, Manifest Success. It’s been a true blessing to read the inspiring stories of all of these co-authors, and to even contribute my own story to the book that includes gems from Peggy McColl, David Neagle, Saskia Roell, Gail Goodwin, and many other amazing people!

As I’ve gone through each story with an editor’s eyes, I’ve put an equal amount of effort into understanding the author’s heart. Writing is such a personal creation – it can be difficult to have your words changed, altered, or cut down to fit a certain standard – and as a freelance editor, this is one of my top considerations.

It’s true – as the daughter of an English teacher I’m a stickler for grammar, and very picky about the effect created by words – but equally important is the necessity of working with the author to express what they want to communicate, so that the end result becomes a co-creation that is greater than the individual.