Communications 101 – Sharing Your Heart

How Can You Achieve Truly Powerful Communication With Your Target Market?

I used to be a big letter writer. With friends and family scattered over the globe, it was a truly joyful thing to sit down with a particular person in mind and compose words expressly for them. One of my favorite things to do when I was done writing was to decorate the envelope in a collage of magazine picture cutouts, just to add one more touch unique to that person.

Now, I must confess, I’m lucky if I get Christmas cards out every other year!  While Facebook and e-mail have certainly made it easier to keep in touch, they’ve encouraged some laziness in me on that end as well. That’s because writing a personal letter is significantly different than dashing off an e-mail or a wall post.

You’ve got to sit down with a pen and paper (ever noticed how actually writing for a significant amount of time gets harder on the hands the more you get used to the keyboard?). It may be special paper that you’ve picked out – something that has meaning for you or for the recipient.

You’ve got to think about what you will say, how you will put it, remember all the details, the inside jokes, the references to things only the two of you will understand. You want to draw some sort of emotion from the person receiving your letter – joy, memory, shared sorrow. All of that takes some serious thinking!

You might include something else along with your words – a photograph, a newspaper clipping, a child’s drawing. It’s a significant attempt at really reaching someone else.

Once it’s written and ready to be sealed, you’ve got to make sure you have the envelope, the stamp, the address. A trip to the post office might be involved. As busy as our lives have gotten, even these simple tasks and expenditures can seem like a lot!

Finally, you send it off. What’s your feeling when that mailbox closes over your precious cargo? You’ve created something important – something that will hold special meaning for a fellow human being - something they may keep over the coming years as a reminder of you and your relationship.

I know when I receive a letter in the mail, it’s a special day. I wait until I get home before I open it. I examine the envelope, think about who it’s from, prepare myself to really soak in what that person has to say. When I first read it I run over the words quickly, wanting to devour it all at once. Then I go back over it more slowly, feeling my joy through the big smile that is on my face.

Over the next few days I’ll think of that person more. I’ll feel singled out and special to have heard from them in such a way. I’ll talk about them more to my husband, put the pictures they may have sent on the fridge, start thinking about what I might right back to them.

It’s a profound journey – this writing of a letter. Even when it comes to someone you’ve known for years, it still takes a significant amount of effort. You hold a picture of that person in your mind as you write – a vision of them that allows you to be incredibly specific and meaningful to that person.

In business, you’re also writing letters all the time, but it never seems to even get close to the power of a real letter, written to a long-time acquaintance. Would it ever be possible to achieve that same kind of connection with your market through a letter written by you?

Who's your confidante?

From the time I was young, I got used to moving around a lot. I’ve traveled much of this glorious world (though not as much as I would have liked – yet!), and I’ve now lived in three different countries.

Growing up I sometimes felt envious of people who had known their group of friends since kindergarten – I early sensed the richness of having access to that kind of companionship.

All the same, I have been blessed with many lifelong friends, some near and some scattered around the world. These are the kinds of friends that you can pick up with right where you’ve left off – whether you saw them last week or 5 years ago. These are the kinds of friends who are worth their weight in gold!

One of the reasons I value this type of friendship so much is that I witnessed my parents being torn from their own roots when we moved across the country to where we mainly knew no one. And while family is beautiful, it makes it very tough on the existence of young parents when there doesn’t seem to be anyone around to confide in, to share the everyday joys, troubles, and even hum-drum experiences of life.

Human beings were meant to exist in community. Withdrawing yourself from this community for an extended period of time only causes problems – unhealthy introspection, loneliness, depression, limited perspective, defensiveness, lashing out…we just aren’t meant to be alone!

Having friends from various walks of life to confide in broadens your perspective. It provides a safe, healthy outlet, refreshment, joy – even correction when you need a little help in steering your course.

In my life I’ve witnessed a few groups that are very prone to excluding themselves from a community of confidantes for a period of time – young married couples, new parents, and home based business entrepreneurs seem especially prone to this mistake. Sadly, by the time they come to realize it, it can be too late to salvage what they had before.

There are many different kinds of confidantes for the different areas of life. There are friends you can tell anything too, coaches you may call upon for a certain aspect of business, therapy, mentorship, spiritual counsel. Those who value and take advantage of these kinds of relationships the most are often the most successful – they’re usually the ones you look at and wonder, “Just what is it that they have?”

When you’re working from home, the need for people to confide in only becomes greater. You need both personal and professional acquaintances you can be honest with – people that you don’t need to keep up the show around. You need people to sharpen you as iron sharpens iron, lest you get lost in your own perspective, harming your spirit and your business.

Get fired up this fall to start sharing your stories!

The approach of autumn seems to bring about a renewal of zeal for work and ‘back to school’ sense of expectation for just about everyone, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve actually hit the books.

I have one last summer hurrah coming up on Labor Day Weekend when I’m off to spend time at a friend’s cottage, and then I’ll be gearing up for an exciting mini-course I’ve signed up for with superstar copywriter Cathy Goodwin & Internet empire builder Connie Ragen Green on storytelling.

Aside from the thrill of getting to sit at the feet of some great mentors, I am even more excited about the theme of this course, which is all about how you can use your own personal stories throughout your marketing efforts.

The truth is, anyone who is marketing anything can find it very easy to fall into the hype trap when it comes to the way you’re communicating about your product or service. You know what you have to sell is amazing, so you’ve gotta get out there and pump it up to get people as excited as you are!

To an extent, of course, this is necessary, but all too often your hype can overflow into the point where you’re putting people off by promising something that seems too good to be true, or offering more than you can actually deliver with the intention of getting people in the door and clearing up any misconceptions later.

If you consider yourself to be any kind of ‘conscious’ entrepreneur, you know that people just don’t want that stuff anymore. Your real and true authenticity in your communication is going to reach so much farther than any hype ever will – and its effects will be much more lasting.

Of course, one of the most authentic ways to communicate about your product or service is through your stories!

Figuring out how to use the everyday stories of your life to both make connections and make sales will make a drastic difference in your marketing efforts – and it’s a lot easier to be natural than to try to come up with all that hype!

If you’re interested in learning more about the upcoming story class with Cathy Goodwin and Connie Ragen Green, visit here to find out more information. And in the meantime, consider some of the ways you can be more authentic with your customers and clients:

Does your message come across boldly? Or as a timid whisper?

I’ve always been a reader (since the age of four I’ve rarely been seen without a book in my hand) and it followed that English was always my favorite subject in school. My mom is an English teacher too, so I suppose it was all a bit of a natural progression.

If you think back to your school days, you’ll probably agree with me that English teachers are a bit of a different breed. One of my high school favorites was a teacher who had friendship with the students down with a perfect mix of still getting them to learn, something that can take years to master.

I came to her class after she’d been in the position for over 30 years. I remember her telling us stories about her crush on Mel Gibson,  mildly risque incidents from the Renaissance Festival she brought her classes to every year, and being allowed to watch Monty Python & the Holy Grail in school, which my friends and I thought was just the coolest thing ever.

But what I remember most from what she taught me – above the fun times and the more serious lessons – was a simple rule in writing that literally changed my entire perception around communication.

In the world of books I had lived in from a young age coupled with a great love of learning, I was ahead of many of my peers when it came to writing. But through various life circumstances, I lacked a very important quality in what I wrote – confidence.

My main downfall was using the words, “I think” – and I used them a lot. “I think this play, this author, this work, is teaching us…etc.”

I didn’t really see it as a big deal, but the truth is, I was afraid to make any kind of statement in my writing. I always had to temper it with something – to tone it down – to apologize for what I wanted to say. “In my opinion…It’s possible that…I think…”

My English teacher was having none of it. Oh how the red pen flew across those pages! She crossed out weak sentences, showing me how they could be stronger, bolder – completely unapologetic.

At first, I was upset. I had been coasting along, believing I was right. I was a good student. Why did she have to pick on me so much? At any age or stage in life, it’s difficult to take criticism – even from a person whose experience is much more vast than your own.

But in the end, I listened to her – and I am still thankful for it.

I refined my writing, making a conscious effort to be unapologetic. I saw the power those words held when I no longer confined them to the realm of my own ‘unworthy’ opinion. I even saw the power I was placing into the hands of the reader, who would now have their own decision to make of whether or not to take my words at face value – and I had to give them that right.

That one simple principle assisted in leading to more confidence in other areas of my life, showing me how just a little shot of confidence can go a long, long way (and how having an honest critique can make more of a difference than you’d imagine!). I see it now as one of the steps that led me into being a freelance editor with the desire to assist others in learning this very lesson.

I recently had this message confirmed to me in a lesson from a very successful Internet Marketer. She taught me that however you market, it’s important to position yourself as the expert. A trap many entrepreneurs fall into is the “we/our” syndrome – bringing themselves to the level of their market in the effort to identify with them.

The truth is, people don’t want someone who seems mired in the same problems they have to help them – they want someone who is above it – someone who can offer the solution. “I have the solution for you” vs. “There is a solution for all of us”.

What sounds more powerful to you?

If your mind is starting to drift toward a natural objection now, let me answer it by saying: This is not arrogance. If you are an expert with a product or service to sell, it is not arrogance to make bold statements to proclaim yourself as the one with the answer.

In fact, if you’re not doing that, why should I trust you?

What brings this kind of smile to your face?

I heard the most beautiful story about confidence and alternative forms of communication the other day…

I was speaking with an amazingly energetic heart-centered entrepreneur; she was sharing with me about the new directions her own business was taking – some of them very unexpected.

This woman is an incredible energetic guide – in my experience I’ve rarely heard someone with such a brilliant capacity to listen to others and really draw them to the meaning of what they are trying to express, work through, or understand. She has a gift for truly feeling and bringing out the energy behind peoples’ words.

She was telling me about what has been emerging for her in her business, and how some of this newness has been coming out in her work with physical therapy – something she’s been doing part-time for many years.

She shared how the work was something she felt called to do, but really didn’t enjoy much of the time – her work is in nursing homes with older people, and physical therapy just never seemed to be a pleasure for either the therapist or the patient – it had to do so much with forcing movement and causing pain that it didn’t always seem worth the results!

Then she told me something that was just thrilling to hear – she happens to be a belly-dancer, and decided to start working with her patients – residents of nursing homes – in belly dance!

The patients – both men and women – found that they loved this type of movement. It was natural, flowing, fun – nothing like the forced and often painful manipulations they were used to going through.

This therapist had no idea the results it would bring – when she returned after some time away she found all the residents asking the other therapists, “When are we going to do that again?”

She had people asking for her card, therapists asking her to train them so they could work with people in this way – it’s all exploded beyond anything she could ever have anticipated; it’s even brought a real joy back to her in her physical therapy work.

Let me tell you, I was just enthralled with this story and I had to share it. I’ve never done belly dance (though I’ve always wanted to try it!) – but just the idea of it conjures such confidence and acceptance of the beauty of the human body (no matter what size, shape, or age!) to my mind.

The idea of it being used as a form of physical therapy is just so perfect and so creative – I love it!

Not only that, but imagine the confidence it would be inspiring in these people. Rather than having to submit to an unpleasant and difficult experience, they are given the opportunity to express themselves through movement – something that is joy-filled and freeing. Imagine the effect that would have on other areas of their lives as well.

Effective communication and confidence – they are so intertwined.

Pearls of Wisdom & Wonder

One of the world’s authors who has spoken the most wisdom into my life is Madeleine L’Engle.

Whether I’m reading her books written for children or those written for adults, my heart always responds to the love that permeates all of her works. As any great author must do, she expands my world through the words she’s written, so that I am inspired to think beyond whatever I may have done before.

That is why for many years, my favorite quote from her has been this:

“But if I knew everything, there would be no wonder, for what I believe in is far more than what I know.”

I don’t believe it was really even meant to be ‘quote’ material – it’s simply a sentence spoken by the character Poly from a scene in the book, An Acceptable Time, buried among the rest of an excellent story.

But the first time I read those words, I was struck by them. I highlighted the sentence in my book and have pondered it many times over the years.

There is so much in this statement to unpack and draw from, but what I gain the most from it right now is to understand that life – and effective communication within community – is an ever-learning process.

Communication can come to a halt when we begin to think that what we ‘know’ is all there is. The truth is, I can never know all that there is to know about you, and you can never know all that there is to know about me.

The real wonder of this world is that we do not know everything, which means that there is always something more to discover and enlighten and empower us – if we choose to allow it.  

Chuck Klosterman sharing one of his stories...

One author whose work I particularly enjoy is Chuck Klosterman. He has a fairly eclectic body of work, having gone from sportswriter to music journalist to pop culture authority – and his encyclopedic knowledge of all things modern coupled with a great sense of humor always makes for entertaining, educational reading!

In one of his essays he talks about the advent of reality programming through MTV’s The Real World. As an experiment, it could have gone in many different directions – of course we see the results of this wildly successful genre becoming more popular daily.

The point I found most interesting and thought-provoking was the one Klosterman made about how the show’s ‘actors’ eventually chose to represent themselves. He discusses how the format of the show evolved into each participant being known only by one particular facet of their character, meaning later contestants actually tried out for the show with the intention in mind of becoming known by an easily definable tag – ‘the militant political guy’ or ‘the sweet, simple Southern girl’.

Instead of being portrayed as complicated human beings with the multi-faceted characters that all of us possess, it seemed that people were now striving to be defined by one major aspect of their character, causing a kind of social dynamic shift that creates a tendency for all of us to fall into this trap of looking at each other in a one-dimensional kind of way.

If you want to read the full analysis, I highly recommend the book, Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs, by Chuck Klosterman (an enlightening and humorous commentary on pop culture), but in the meantime, I’d like to consider what this kind of one-dimensional defining does in a Web 2.0 world, particularly in combination with Social Media marketing.

The success of social media and how it has affected the consumer market hammers home once again how great the depth of desire is for people to be known – for people to create community whether they live in a village or a city.

But the temptation is also there to keep that ‘knowing’ on the surface – to put people in a box where you are defined and forever known by only one aspect of who you are or what you are offering.

Of course, it can come down to a fine line as it is very important to do things like narrow your niche market, brand yourself in a particular way, and remain professional.

So how do you allow yourself to be a little more transparent?

How Can You Begin to Cross That Bridge?

For several years I lived in downtown Minneapolis, and during that time I had the honor of various friendships and acquaintances among the Latino and Hispanic community that populated a major section of the city.

One particular woman stands out in my memory – she owned a shop in a ‘Hispanic’ mall in the Phillips neighborhood where she sold art pieces and occasionally cosmetics.

As I got to know her a little better I learned she was originally from Chile. Her career in her home country had included a stint as an award winning swimmer and diver, a distinguished science degree, and a  high up position in a laboratory in a major company.

She continued to share how when she came to the US, the only job she was able to get, in spite of all of her experience and accomplishments, was that of a cleaner – and that it was because she was unable to communicate well in English.

I’ve heard similar stories from many immigrants who have moved from one place to another, where simple communication is the greatest barrier between who they are and who they are perceived to be.

The world continues to see evidence of this kind of misunderstanding on a fairly regular basis – one instance that comes to mind is the ‘throwing of the shoe’ at President George Bush during an unscheduled visit to Iraq shortly before his presidential term came to an end.

I know many people watching in the West thought of it as a rather bizarre, even amusing incident – but how many perceived the depth of meaning that truly lay within that particular act? As the boundaries of  miscommunication come into play, how many people even realize how great the gulf can be between perceptions?

What does this all have to do with YOUR message?

Fortunately for you, you have the opportunity and the ability to ’see both sides of the story’ to some extent – because if you truly care about sharing your message with the world, you will also care about how it is perceived!

What Do YOU See?

I’ve come across a teaching illustration more than once in my life that goes like this:

A person conducting a meeting holds up a large piece of paper, with a very small black dot in the center of it.  This person asks the others at the meeting to describe what they see.

Without exception, the answer that comes back is: “A black dot“.

No one ever says: “A large piece of white paper“.

Why is that?

Most people are quick to notice flaws and take them as an indication that affects the whole. Whether this be right or wrong, it is fairly unavoidable. And how great a tragedy to have people pass you by because of a typo on your website, an error in your grammar, a misspelling in your article, or some other mistake that you may feel is as ‘inconsequential’ as a tiny black dot…

Even if you consider yourself to be the type of person who can view the bigger picture and excuse the small flaws – do your potential customers and clients see things that way?

A Cord of Three Strands...

Have you ever struggled really hard to communicate something and found that you just couldn’t get your message across?

This happens to me all the time with my husband. I try to explain how I’m feeling, and I just can’t seem to find the right words.

Before we married, we both read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – and honestly it was quite an eye-opener!

Everyone pays lip service to the idea that men and women are different, but I’ll admit suprise at how very different they REALLY are! Of course, marriage is where most people discover this idea at the deepest level – and it’s usually discovered pretty fast!

But what is it that you always hear is at the top of the list of marital advice? Effective communication is key.

Even though I can’t always convey my exact meaning to my husband, I really believe reading that book and others like it has helped us get through more than one sticky patch in terms of understanding where the other person is coming from.

Of course, this works the same way in your business. You not only want to know who your target market is – you want to know how they’re thinking and how that compares to how you’re thinking!